SNOW EMERGENCY DAY: Expect at least a few of these in the beginning and the end of the year. You won’t be going anywhere for a while, so crack open that emergency stash of beverages you were forethoughtful enough to purchase at the first blizzard advisory, and binge watch Orange is the New Black or Breaking Bad. Yes, you are getting drunk at noon, and that’s OK. You’ve earned it.
MARCH 17, EVACUATION DAY: Not familiar with this federal holiday commemorating the evacuation of British forces from the city, signifying the end of the 1776 Siege of Boston? No sweat, because neither would we be if this historical footnote hadn’t coincidentally fallen on St. Patrick’s Day, giving the city’s Irish Catholic legislature a perfectly legitimate, church-and-state-separatey, excuse to shut down a city that, in all fairness, was going to shut itself down anyway. Avoid Alewife and South Station (suburban commuters), and head to Southie at your risk.
APRIL 21, PATRIOT’S DAY: Also known as Marathon Monday, this is the day the city wakes up early, runs a lot, and then drinks, or just wakes up early and drinks. Expect this year to be especially poignant—by partying, you are choosing to affirm all that is good and denying the darkness on the edge of town. Choose life, choose love, choose party. Copley is where to be, which, fair warning, means everybody will be there.
JULY 4, BEST INDEPENDENCE DAY: Yes, we are aware that other parts of the country celebrate our nation’s independence, but nobody, but nobody does it like it’s done here. Yes, we can hear you, Bristol, RI, and trust us, nobody cares. Pops on the Esplanade, Roman Candles in some Brighton backyard, America America America. Longfellow Bridge is your best bet if you’re trying to see the Hatch Shell/fireworks.
SEPTEMBER 1, ALLSTON CHRISTMAS: You’re either intimately familiar with—or in the process of becoming intimately familiar with—this particular day of unrest, but even if you managed to dodge this futon-sized bullet and won’t be moving this year, remember these three things: 1) free* shit for the taking. 2) Allston is like plaid Thunderdome today, so avoid it unless you’re really hung up on 1), and 3) no amount of pizza and beer is worth it. You can make new friends.
[BRUINS/RED SOX/CELTICS] WON [STANLEY CUP/WORLD SERIES/NBA FINALS]: The day after there’ll be a parade or something, whoopty-doo, but it’s the night of you should be cautious of. Suddenly you’re the unwilling participant in a citywide game of call and response, and the wrong answer means a punch to the face. Resistance is futile: get drunk and soon as possible, and join the crowd. It only happens once every all the time, anyway.
*Nothing is ever, ever free.
